Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or in Canada) for the last year or so, you’ve heard of Twilight. References to it are everywhere; Team Edward shirts, Team Jacob shirts, tween girls wrapping a line around the San Diego Convention Center that would make George Lucas jealous. Inevitably anyone familiar with the basic laws of physics knows that for every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction, and react vampire and Gothic lore fans did. For every dozen twilight fans there was another dozen self-proclaimed nerds shouting that the way vampires were portrayed in the books (probably more the movies but I’ll get to that) was “wrong”. I never personally understood this myself as vampires have been shown many different ways in many different forms of media. The Nosferatu of the original black and white classic film is about as far from Angel and Spike portrayed in Buffy the Vampire Slayer as the vampires from 30 Days of Night are from Edward Cullen of Twilight. Personally defending the books myself with arguments like this.
The one thing I seemed to share with self-proclaimed haters of the Twilight series was that neither of us had actually read the books or seen the movies. The books MUST be horrible, they HAVE to be for vampires to sparkle and be dreamboats who every girl aged ten to twelve seems to have fallen in love with. Wait though, aren’t Angel (and to a lesser extent Spike) complete dreamboats in the Buffy and Angel series? That’s when it struck me that not only was I being a hypocrite, but I was doing so while being completely ignorant to what I was bashing. That isn’t like me at all. When I attended the funeral services for a friend of mine who passed away recently, his girlfriend told an amusing anecdote about how Dan had read all the Twilight books just so he could make fun of the girls in Team Edward shirts from a more knowledgeable standpoint. That settled it.
I had to read Twilight and review it for myself.
Sure, it might be terrible, but it couldn’t be worse than other books I’ve read. The Silmarillion comes to mind. Heck, I’ve even read the Bible three times just so when people would ask me why I was an atheist in Temecula (the California bible belt) I could at least explain my point of view from a stance that wasn’t ignorant. Twilight couldn’t be much harder than those.
So here we go;
Told from the point of view of Isabella (Bella from now on) Swan. The book begins by following Bella from her move from Phoenix, Arizona to a perpetually rainy Forks Washington. Bella, for your money, could not, even with all the combined efforts of NASA, the US Military, and MIT, be more ordinary if she tried. The efforts Stephanie Meyer went to to make Bella the perfect character for any female human to identify with were so perfect it made me laugh out loud every time her exceptional levels of plainness slapped me in the face. She’s tall, but not too tall, has straight brown hair, is clumsy, poor at sports, becomes overwhelmed to the point of tears over almost any occasion, is a little smarter than everyone else in her class due to Phoenix’s superior school system in comparison to that of the one ruling over her Forks high school, and spends the entire book questioning why anyone would love or even be interested in her. Bella’s character for these reasons, as I’ve heard from male friends of mine, is a big reason why the entire series should be written off. What’s so exceptional about her that anyone should care what happens to her, most of all the exceptional Edward (we’ll get to him in a bit). Though this is how the book identifies itself as being strictly for women (and gay men to a certain extent). There ISN’T anything exceptional about her, and somehow beyond ALL odds she manages to attract the attention of not only every boy in her school, but of the dreamiest male since Brad Pitt swaggered his way onto the set of Thelma and Louise.
Edward is introduced as a member of a family (the Cullens) who are beyond any regular measure of attractiveness and athleticism. Edward somehow can NOT keep his eyes off of her, and reacts ALMOST violently to Bella’s presence in his class. Bella can not understand the hatred this beautiful Edward has towards her with almost no excuse what-so-ever. Edward is the first archetype of the dime store romance novel introduced. Tall, chiseled from white stone, with high cheekbones and eyes that “smoulder” so often I thought about making “smouldering eyes” a drinking game (every time you read it, take a drink). Edward at one point saves Bella from being crushed by a car with his supernatural vampire abilities leaving Bella with a ton of questions about this superhero roman god in finely tailored clothing who attends high school. I also enjoyed the almost Superman/Clark Kent obvious secret identity thing here. No one notices of course when he stops a full sized van from crushing the perpetual Louis Lane that is Bella. Eventually Edward’s malice towards Bella fades into an attraction, and from there develops into a deep and intense love. A love so deep and pure I couldn’t help but laugh and laugh and laugh at it’s ridiculousness. Again though, this is where the book shows that it isn’t written for me, it’s written for my girlfriend (oh dear god is this book ever written for my girlfriend).
While Edward and Bella’s relationship begins to blossom and they talk more often, Bella meets a young boy named Jacob Black who unravels all the questions that Bella has of Edward with his tales of Native American folklore. Jacob Black would be the second dime store romance novel archetype. Why else would there be a well built Native American boy in the story? They don’t cover it in this story, but I can smell romantic tension from a few books away. Evidently what happened is the Cullens came to Washington long ago to hide from the sun, which comes out in Forks a total of seven days a year, and made a deal that they would not ever enter the Native’s reservation land in exchange for the natives not ever selling them out as being vampires (as harmless as they promised to be towards humans). Of course Bella is already far too in love with her picturesque Edward to even care that he’s a vampire. Then Edward takes Bella to a meadow and reveals much about himself, how and when he became a vampire, and to the chagrin of vampire fans everywhere that vampires don’t burst into flames when in contact with direct sunlight, but instead sparkle.
The translation via myth of course is that they hid from the sunlight because of bursting into flames, but evidently it was just that they would be highlighted because of their sparkly weakness. Actually the vampires in this story don’t really have ANY weaknesses. They’re unbelievably strong, much stronger than any vampire I’ve read about or seen previously. They play baseball with each other only during thunderstorms to hide the boom of the bat [yes I know vampires playing baseball, I laughed too]. Edward is the fastest of of his family, which is saying a lot because at times they run fast enough to keep pace with a full speed Mercedes. Some of them even carry over minor mental abilities that are exaggerated in the process of being turned into a vampire. Edward can read minds, has a “sister” Alice that is prescient, and another “sibling” Jasper who has the ability to calm or excite people as he wishes. According to Edward the only way to kill one of their kind is to tear them into pieces and burn the remains.
I use quotes around sibling and sister because this isn’t Edwards family per se, just his coven. A group of vampires that has sworn off human blood in favor of hunting only animals. That is where you also, though, discover Edward’s almost impossible attraction to the plain and hapless Bella. Evidently her blood is too tempting. It’s used to explain the avoidance when they first met after his almost outburst of violence at their first encounter. It’s Edward’s heroin if you will. Having been a vampire that has sworn off the blood of humans for so long, being around Bella is the ultimate temptation, like an alcoholic that eventually has to start attending New Years parties where champagne is served I guess. He’s always on the edge of giving into his animal instincts, but is unable to resist being near Bella, who always appears as a vision of beauty to him and smells irresistible.
It’s also revealed in the story that Bella is the only person Edward has ever met who has a mind that is completely unreadable. So while Edward can pry information from the mind of anyone around him, Bella gets to keep her thoughts a mystery from him. Why any woman would find this to be desirable is completely beyond me (it’s true, there really does need to be a sarcasm font). The real action of the story is pretty anticlimactic. It happens when, while playing baseball, the Cullens run across a trio of vampires. One of the new vampires decides he’s going to hunt Bella and the family instigates him by protecting her. She flies back to Phoenix to hide but he follows her there and supposedly kidnaps her mother. Bella is lured away from Alice and Jasper (her protectors), just before Edward arrives, by the hostage scenario. Of course just as Bella is about to be killed the Cullens sweep in and save the day. At one point Bella is almost turned into a vampire, but with some careful blood consumption, Edward saves Bella, and proves his love for her by not drinking her bone dry, in one fell moment.
Bella admits to Edward during her recovery process that she wants badly to be a vampire so she can spend all of eternity with him (not for men), and he refuses because “oh boo hoo I’m a monster, I can’t damn you forever”. It’s pretty typical vampire fare to be honest. Then Edward takes Bella to prom, against her wishes, because of her aforementioned inherent clumsiness. Bella thinks she’s being turned into a vampire and disappointed to find out that it’s just Edward’s efforts to make sure that, in spite of his condition, she experiences as much of a normal human life as possible.
There you have it, the story of Twilight. Now for my impressions.
This book is pretty much exactly what I thought it would be. Though I had hoped that it would be written poorly, it’s actually well put together. It drags on in sections much in the same fashion as a Stephen King novel (though being fair I can NOT stand Stephen King because of this fact). Twilight is saccharine sweet, and is in no way shape or form meant for your average man, but couldn’t possibly be in any way shape or form be MORE for your average woman. It panders to the awkward teenage girl inside every woman which hopes that in spite of one’s overwhelming averageness, an extraordinary man will sweep in and add an element of excitement to their lives. I’ve read studies saying that every single demographic of women loses self confidence when hitting the age of puberty, and when you take this fact into account with how the character of Bella is structured, it’s almost nigh impossible to believe that this book could ever NOT be insanely popular. If this series continues in the vein that was started here with this first book, as I’ve said to friends and family before, this couldn’t be a larger boon to Buffy fans.
The parallels between Edward and Angel are almost too many to count. Yes, I understand Buffy is a much cooler character than Bella, but the steamy forbidden relationship between a high school girl and an ancient creature of the night who broods and is sexy can not be ignored here. I’m sorry to all my Buffy fan friends who have latched on to hating this book. No, I didn’t personally enjoy the book myself, but it’s already too similar with the Joss Whedon series for you to be able to complain. A lot of people will escape into the sparkling vampires argument, but anyone who watched the Angel series knows they did away with the no sunlight at all thing pretty quickly there, which leaves Angel and Edward sort of in the same boat.
If there’s any reason to not like this book as a man, it’s because the romance of the situation is over the top and described from a female point of view that a lot of us will never understand. We’ve never been awkward teenage girls longing to be loved by someone who is completely above our station in life, but that didn’t stop a lot of us from enjoying Pretty in Pink. I’ve been arguing since comic-con that the vehicle that all of nerdkind has been waiting for to get girls into our culture has finally arrived and read this book in hope that I could maybe prove myself wrong, but as someone who considers himself a pretty big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel series I can say without a doubt, you may not LIKE Twilight, but we certainly have no room at all to bash it.
Geek Out!
Wesley Strawther
